My outfits feel uninspired lately. This I know.
Please understand, it is not because I myself do not feel inspired. Quite the oposite actually. Not to keep harping on this hair cut or anything, but it’s obviously been a huge change for me.
I don’t talk about why I have a personal style blog that often. There’s the obvious financial reasons. There’s my own personal feeling that humans on the whole have too much “stuff,” so any way that I can contribute by reusing items is a small step towards taking a stance against our throw-away culture.
And as trivial as this Tumblr may seem from time to time, there are more personal reflections at work.
For the majority of my young life, I was horribly bullied; taught to believe that the way I looked should be a source of deep shame. I won’t get into the particulars, except to say that when you’re younger these experiences can be traumatizing. You later find that they have manifested themselves into your adult life in weird, often subconscious, ways.
The choice to step in front of a camera, to post my image on the internet, was not a frivolous cry for attention. It was an act of defiance against the fear of other’s opinions and what they would say about the images they were seeing.
My outfits seem to lack pizazz as of late because my wardrobe can’t accomodate what I want to present. Without much thought, I’ve curated a closet full of floral prints and cutesy librarian looks. My updated take on what the nerd in the back of the classroom would wear. The girl hoping no one would notice her.
That is not to say that I don’t still have love for these outfits. But I’m not drawn to them in the way that I once was. Lately I have been craving sheer, sleeveless tops with Peter Pan collars, graphic prints, blocked colors, tailored pants. I want a wardrobe that is bold. I stand in front of my closet every morning and stare at my soft skirts… go back to putting on a pair of skinny jeans and not taking a picture.
I get riled up when people dismiss personal style blogs offhand. They sneer and wonder why someone would want to take so many pictures of themselves, what sort of horrible narcissism drives a person to undergo such a weird endeavor.
For me, at least, this little Tumblr has been a quiet place to try and grow some confidence. And taking an interest in our style can offer us a greater amount of self-worth if we want it to. It doesn’t have to be about the approval of others or even so much looking a certain way. (Although I would never discount those factors because it’s not possible to do so.)
I think it is often about wanting to find a sense of stability in how we feel about ourselves. Just trying to be okay with how we look and thus, who we are.
I feel so different lately than I have at any other point in my life and my clothes can’t keep up right now.